


I Love You, I Love All of You

by MaggieMaybe160



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, I Love You, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 07:03:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17198801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMaybe160/pseuds/MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Dean and Cas go on a routine hunt alone. Their feelings become clear.





	I Love You, I Love All of You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, look. I am SO sorry. 
> 
> Thanks to [Canadduh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadduh/pseuds/canadduh) for being brave enough to read this as I was writing it.

Castiel had been told to wait by the car. Dean was just doing the final sweep of the building on a routine hunt. Sam had stayed behind on this hunt to do some research. Cas stood next to the Impala, watching the exit like a hawk.

He saw the shadow of his hunter but it was somehow wrong. It looked hunched over and the legs moved quickly. Dean appeared with blood pouring down his face. He stumbled into the wall and sagged against it as Cas ran to him.

The angel caught Dean under the arms before he could hit the ground. His head rolled back and his eyes were closed. Cas dragged Dean back to the Impala, his heart pounding against his chest. He grunted as he lifted Dean into the backseat.

“Wake up,” Cas whispered as he held Dean’s face in between his hands, trying to summon enough grace to heal his hunter. He had been running on low and was trying to recover but it wasn’t enough to heal Dean. It was only enough to stop the bleeding which was enough for right now.

He looked at the driver’s seat and realized he had never driven this car. He had never been given the keys to the beloved car. He winced as he took the keys from Dean’s pocket. He slid into the front seat and placed his hands on the wheel, flexing his fingers. He looked over his shoulder at the unconscious Dean.

He looked back at his hands on the wheel that belonged to Dean and put the keys into the ignition. Baby roared to life and he drove. He was expecting a feeling of magic to take over as it seemed to do for Dean but nothing magical happened at all. He was driving the Impala. He got onto the road and pressed down on the gas.

That’s when the magic hit. He was driving the Impala. He was driving the car that Dean loved most in the world. Despite his fear over seeing Dean in such an awful condition and leaving the hunt undone, Cas felt himself breathe.

It wasn’t long later, Dean groaned as he woke up. “Pull over.” Cas pulled the car to the side of the road with a screech. He got out and opened the door for Dean. The hunter sat up quickly and hurried out of the car, hurling onto the dirt.

“Dean,” Cas rested a hand on Dean’s back and watched with worry. Dean sat back and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I need to get you to a bed,” Cas said, concern visible on his face.

“Buy a man a drink first, Cas,” Dean joked as he slid into the passenger side of the car without being told to. Cas had been about to give him the keys.

“Should I be driving?” Cas asked, blushing from Dean’s joke. Dean’s eyes stayed closed, missing the bright red tinge to the angel’s cheeks.

“Who else is going to drive right now?” Dean asked. Cas didn’t answer as he started the car again and started to drive.

“Stop at the nearest motel,” Dean said quietly. It sounded like a man giving up.

 

By the time Cas pulled into a motel parking lot, Dean was sleeping. Cas went inside and paid for the night. He returned to Dean and opened the passenger side door and lifting Dean into his arms. Dean’s head rested against the angel’s shoulder. Cas couldn’t help but glance down at the sleeping Winchester in his arms.

Cas walked into the motel room and gently placed Dean onto the single bed in the room. It was the last room available and with only one of them requiring sleep, Cas had deemed the room acceptable.

Dean let out a soft groan in his sleep as he was released from the angel’s arms but fell quiet again. Cas walked to the other end of the room and called Sam.

“Hey Cas,” Sam answered on the third ring.

“Dean’s fine. We’re going to be another day, though.”

“That’s a weird way to start a phone call, buddy,” Sam laughed.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas corrected himself. There was a beat of silence before Cas finished the phone call, “Bye.”

“See you tomorrow, Cas,” Sam laughed before hanging up.

 

Dean woke up around midnight to Castiel’s hand on his forehead checking his temperature. The touch was gentle and cool. Dean tried not to move so Cas wouldn’t leave. Dean had been in love with this angel for too many years and he usually never allowed moments like these to exist. He didn’t know why.

Cas’ started to take his hand away and Dean reached up and caught his wrist to keep him there. Cas was obviously startled but didn’t move. He watched Dean intently as the hunter froze, realizing what he had just done.

Neither said a word as Dean gently pulled Cas down so that they were both lying on the bed, their bodies pressed together. Cas’ face was turned toward Dean and their eyes were locked and unwavering. Both were overly aware that they were alone.

Cas saw his moment closing. Dean was going to turn away and this would be over. Cas reached out, his hand on Dean’s jaw, and leaned in. He pressed his lips to Dean’s, gently kissing his hunter. Cas started to pull back when Dean kissed back, his hand coming up to hold the back of Cas’ hair, his fingers in the thick dark hair.

Dean had been waiting for this moment, this kiss, since he’d come face to face with the angel years ago. He’d dreamed of holding the other man against him for ages. After all this time, all of the build up of dreams and longing, Dean was not disappointed.

The hunter rolled on top of Cas, pinning him to the bed and deepening the kiss. Their fingers intertwined next to Cas’ head on the bed. His angel’s chapped lips were surprisingly soft on his. All of their longing stares, their unspoken attraction, their _profound bond_ , was all being released finally in this urgent and passionate kiss.

The room turned and Dean remembered the head injury he was dealing with. He pulled back and rolled back onto the bed, breathing hard. Cas didn’t move for a moment, letting the reality of the kiss sink in.

Cas curled against Dean, both of them quiet. The hunter wrapped his arm protectively around Cas before he drifted back to sleep.  

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

“We’re going back,” Dean said gruffly as he threw his machete into a duffle bag. Cas stared at him. “Don’t look at me like that. The job isn’t done. I have to finish this.”

So they went back. Dean closed his eyes, steeling himself for the hunt. Cas knew he was supposed to stay in the car but he wanted to go with Dean and protect him. He looked from the doorway where Dean had collapsed the day before and back to the hunter that sat next to him.

“I’m going in with you.”

“Fine.”

Cas followed Dean into the abandoned building and he felt it. Angel warding. He winced but Dean missed it as he was ten literal steps ahead. Cas bit back a groan of discomfort as he continued into the building. Pain ripped through him with every step and finally he stopped. He watched Dean call out for their prey.

When no one answered, Dean grinned and turned to face Cas. He made a face that said, “Guess I ganked him anyway!” Cas saw it before it hit Dean. He screamed out but not in time.

A bullet ripped through the air, the gunshot loud enough to deafen any other humans nearby. It hit and Dean fell. Cas lunged forward through the warding to Dean as his head hit the ground with a crack.

Cas pulled Dean into his arms and pulled his limp hunter out of the building again. As soon as the warding was gone, Cas pressed his hand to Dean’s back where the bullet had entered. He couldn’t heal it. He couldn’t pull it out. The bullet was warded and Cas could tell that it was lodged into Dean’s spine.

Cas paced at the hospital, worry eating at him as Dean’s surgery extended. No one bothered him or asked him to leave. Everything about him in that waiting room said that he was a man afraid of losing the love of his life.

A doctor finally came out of the double doors and approached the angel. The room stilled and Cas couldn’t tell if he was supposed to feel relief or despair. He couldn’t help it when his legs gave out and he fell to the floor in the waiting room.

“Dean,” Cas said as he came into the room. Dean didn’t look like a hunter. He looked smaller and more fragile. He had a mask over his nose and mouth that was supplying him with oxygen and his eyes were half lidded as he came out of the anesthesia.  

“Angel,” Dean said behind the mask. Cas flashed a quick smile and went to the chair beside Dean’s bed. He took Dean’s hand in his and lifted it to his mouth to press kisses all over it.

“Did the doctor talk to you?” Cas asked in between kisses. He was shaking and hoped that Dean couldn’t tell. Dean shook his head slowly but jerkily. That would be the drugs. Cas took a deep breath and ran his free hand through Dean’s hair and down the side of his face.

“Cas,” Dean breathed. His eyes were closing. Cas didn’t move or say anything as he watched Dean drift back to sleep.

“You’ll never walk again,” Cas whispered once the hunter was safely asleep. “You’ll never hunt again.” Cas finally allowed himself to cry.

 

“Cas,” Sam answered the phone quicker this time. “Where are you guys?”

“Dean’s not fine,” Cas said, his voice shaking. His hand was shaking too. He looked over at Dean as he slept and he gulped.

“Weird… way to start a phone call…” Sam had questions in his voice but didn’t seem to be able to ask any of them. Instead of answering, Cas let out a sob that he’d been biting back. “Cas?”

“I’ll send you the address.” Cas hung up, wiping his face on his sleeve.

 

Sam arrived the next day. He had driven all night and stood outside of the hospital room. Cas was next to Dean, holding his hand and watching the hunter as he slept. If Sam didn’t know any better he’d have said Cas looked like a man in love.

Sam opened the door but Cas didn’t look away from Dean. The younger Winchester approached his brother and was reminded of the time Dean was in another hospital bed, another death bed.

“What happened, Cas? It was a routine run.”

“It wasn’t.” Cas’ voice was raw. “The bullet was warded.”

“What did the doctor’s say?”

“He will never walk again.” The words were final and hung in the air. Neither said anything. The two men just let the words sink in, hoping that they and the diagnosis would evaporate, as they watched Dean’s chest rise and fall.

 

Dean was awake and watching Cas watch him. He wanted to know why the angel looked so hurt. He reached out his IV’ed hand and caught Castiel’s.

“Tell me,” Dean begged mockingly. Cas’ lips tightened for a moment.

“I need you to listen to me, Dean Winchester,” Cas said seriously. Dean’s smile dropped. He nodded gently, his green eyes trained on Cas. “I love you so much and that… That isn’t going to change.” Dean’s eyebrows furrowed, waiting for the punchline. “You were shot in the spine with a bullet that is warded against angels. I can’t heal you. The doctors can’t.... Can’t heal you. You will never walk again.”

“No,” Dean whispered. His green eyes were filled with tears that refused to fall. “No.” He dropped the angel’s hand and tightened his hand into a fist, the nails biting into the skin of his palm. He tried to move his legs. He shut his eyes tight as he tried to move. “No!” He slammed his fist onto the flimsy tray that was attached to the bed.

The heart rate monitor started beeping, warning Dean that his heart was going too fast. Cas looked from the numbers on the machine and back to Dean who’s entire face was a mask of anguish.

Dean tore off his heart rate monitor and Cas unplugged the machine so it wouldn’t start screeching that the patient had died. The room was quiet enough to hear the dripping of the IV bags.

“You can’t love me, Cas.” The words came out in a harsh whisper that cut the silence.

“Why?”

“Because!” Dean shouted. His entire face was red and his green eyes looked more hurt than angry. Cas flinched away. “Because, Cas! I’m not good enough! I will _never_ be good enough! I’m broken. I’m damaged. I... I...” Dean slammed his hand into his leg hard enough that it should have hurt. “I’m fucking broken!”

“Dean, I love you,” Cas said, his voice cracking. The words halted whatever else Dean had been about to yell. Dean stared at the angel and the blush drained from his cheeks leaving him pale. “I love _all_ of you.”

The air was sucked out of the room. Dean heard those words but not from this moment. He heard them when they had taken everything away from him. When Cas had been dying, the black oozing from his lips. His angel had been on his deathbed, unable to move. He had spoken those words before but how could Dean have been so stupid. _I love all of you_. Dean had let those words stop him from ever telling Cas the truth about how in love with him he really was.

Those words had belonged to him, though. They had always belonged to him. The room was spinning as Dean stared at his angel in the hospital room. He saw and heard every _I love you_ and every _Dean._ He felt his heart breaking in his chest, splintering and stabbing, each piece shattering into dust.

“Cas,” Dean breathed. “No.” His voice shook and the tears that had been waiting finally fell, sliding down his cheeks and around his oxygen mask. His adam’s apple bobbed as he choked back his own words.

“Yes, Dean,” Cas flared. “I do. I love you. I love you so damn much. I didn’t have a choice. I was tortured in Heaven for loving you. Multiple times. I still love you and I won’t stop. I’m not supposed to… but I’m allowed. I’m allowed to love you despite your flaws. I’m allowed to love you until both of us cease to exist. And I will, Dean Winchester. I will love you for as long as I want and longer. Nothing can change that. When I say that I’m in love with you, I don’t pick out which pieces are shiny and new. I don’t pick out the pieces of you that look great or sound good on paper. I love every part of you. I love _all_ of you. I always will.” Cas was out of breath, his cheeks pink and his chest heaving. “I hate you.”

“I hate you, too,” Dean whispered, tears still streaming. “I love you.” The second sentence was quieter. The blue eyes locked with green and neither man looked away. “I don’t love me.”

Cas reached out and wiped the tears from Dean’s face gently with his thumb. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his hunter’s forehead. Dean let out a breath neither of them knew he’d been holding. Dean’s hand tightened on Cas’ again.

“I love you, Castiel. I love all of you,” Dean breathed behind the oxygen mask. His hand went limp in his angel’s. His eyes stayed fixed on the blue eyes that he loved. His oxygen mask fogged up. Cas let out a yell and was on his feet but there was nothing to do. Sam ran in and caught his brother’s angel. He had never seen Castiel cry before. He’d never seen anything like the scene that was in front of him. His brother was dead and his angel along with him.

Sam lowered Cas to the floor, checking his pulse. He was panicking now. The pulse was too fast as Cas finally let out a scream. Every light in the hospital shattered, raining glass and sparks. Tears streamed down the angel’s face and he let out a second, longer scream. Every alarm in the hospital went off, screaming with him. He dragged himself up to look at Dean. To face his hunter. He sobbed as Sam cowered, trying not to get hurt by the falling glass.

“NO!” Cas screamed. “Dean,” Cas fell this time as if in slow motion. Everything seemed to stop as Cas watched the last love he’d ever have, die. The sounds of the hospital died out too as Castiel’s head hit the floor, the skull cracking and the pulse finally gone.

_I love you. I love all of you._


End file.
